323: Get Better Dating Results and Find Your Ideal Mate (Part 1)


Get Better Dating Results and Find Your Ideal Mate (Part 1) with Dr. Stan TatkinIn this episode, Jay is joined by author Dr. Stan Tatkin to address the question: What hinders people from having greater success when dating?




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Episode Title: Get Better Dating Results and Find Your Ideal Mate (Part 1)


Guest: Dr. Stan Tatkin Follow Him on Twitter


Check out Dr. Tatkin’s latest book. Wired for Dating


Questions We Address and Answer:

  • How often do people fail to get the best possible results when dating?
  • What hinders people from having greater success when dating?


Key Lessons and Takeaways:

  • Things that are more important than your ideal mate’s appearance.
  • Being relationship focused instead of person focused.
  • The importance of having the right relationship models in our lives.
  • The value in vetting someone we may want to date or be in a relationship with.
  • Why we must have the right attitude and mindset towards dating.


Hold Yourself Accountable:

  • Make a conscious decision to be relationship focused rather than person focused.


Apply This Kingdom Principle:

  • One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[c] There is no commandment greater than these.” – Mark 12:28-31 (NIV)


Take Action Now:

  • Take time to invest in yourself and discover what kind of relationship you desire and function best in.
  • Begin to properly prepare for your next relationship by reading a helpful book – you may even consider one of the books recommended below.


Book Recommendations:





Free Resources:

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  • Miss Reese
    March 1, 2016

    Blessings Jay, this comment is a bit unrelated but I had a question and couldn’t find your email. Have you done any podcasts about how focusing on gaining a husband or wife is potentially idolatry? I’m asking because God is talking to me… I was hoping you have something in the archives I can listen to and hear your perspective, given that I’m not finding people taking too kindly when I bring up the subject.

    • Jay
      March 2, 2016

      Hey Miss Reese!

      Thank you so much for sharing your question with me.

      No, I have not done a podcast episode on how focusing on gaining a husband or wife is potentially idolatry.

      It sounds like an interesting topic. If you’re willing to share more, I’m all ears.

      Please send me an email using the contact form here:


      I look forward to hearing from you son.

      Thank you and have a very blessed day!

  • Autumn
    March 6, 2016

    Dr. Stan was right on with this one. Everything he stated about a relationship is what I wanted. The thing is, I often feel I can’t state these things to a man I’m dating, especially not early on. But not even later on. It’s like men aren’t ready to be these things until . . . gosh I don’t know when. When *they* are ready, I suppose.

    As men, would it put you off to hear a woman stating these things she wanted early on in a relationship, especially if you knew you wanted a relationship like this, just weren’t sure yet if you wanted it with her particularly?

    I remember once Jay saying that he wanted to go through an entire season with a woman, a whole year, all four seasons, before he’d be sure about committing to her. So it’s a bit confusing. On one hand, you guys are saying that a person should reveal their standards early on. Okay, fine. But on the other, men will hear that standard but seem to hold back on committing until long after that.

    I don’t get it. :/ I don’t reveal these things until a man shows me he’s ready to commit. Otherwise, I’m not ‘knowing my role’. Meaning, it just seems like a conversation to have several months after you are someone’s girlfriend and the relationship actually seems like it’s going somewhere permanent.

    • Jay
      March 7, 2016

      Hey Autumn!

      Thank you so much for taking the time out to listen to the discussion and sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate that.

      Personally, I would not be put off by a woman sharing with me what she wants early in a relationship. It’s the only way that I will know if I am able to or even willing to meet her needs, wants and expectations.

      Yes, I did say I want to go through an entire season with a woman. However, the commitment I was referring to was marriage. I wouldn’t wait an entire season or year before entering into a relationship, especially if she and I had discussed our needs, wants and expectations for a relationship and a partner and were in alignment. I could and would totally commit to dating her and entering a relationship with her. Marriage is what I will not commit to with going through at least one full season with a woman. That is a requirement for me.

      Honestly, if I know what I need, want and expect in a relationship and partner, I’m not going to wait to share that information. I will share it early so the woman can decide if she wants to continue or not. Other people should not be allowed to dictate the pace at which we share things with them. We must decide that. If they can’t handle it, that’s a good sign they are not the right person for us. However, that’s my opinion and my approach. Everyone is different.

      I hope something I shared is helpful.

      Thank you again Autumn!

      • Autumn
        March 7, 2016

        This was very helpful. For me at this point in my life, every relationship I enter the end result for me is marriage. So it’s either leading me to a happily married life or a happily remaining single life. That I’m pretty upfront about.

        I like this being upfront about *everything* being a test of whether this is a good match for oneself. Fortunately, I am a pretty transparent person with a partner but I do wait a bit until I am so. I’m going to start thinking about how that strategy is working for me.

        Thanks, Jay and Stan!

        • Jay
          March 8, 2016

          I’m happy something I shared was helpful.

          Thank you Autumn!!!

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