In this episode of the MenChat series, Jay is joined by Dr. Wiley to address the question: Where are all the good men?
We will examine why a lot of women believe there are not a lot of good men left, the challenge women face in identifying good men and so much more.
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SHOW NOTES
Episode Title: Where are All the Good Men?
Guests: Dr. Wiley – Follow Him on Twitter
Quotables:
- “If a man is never taught how to be a good man, how can you expect him to be a good man?” – Dr. Wiley
- “Location is important, but it’s not everything.” – Dr. Wiley
- “You have to put yourself in a position to be found, but the place you put yourself in can determine who finds you.” – Dr. Wiley
- “You can always enhance a man.” – Dr. Wiley
Key Lessons:
- Why a lot of women believe there are not a lot of good men left
- Ways that a woman can change a man and ways that she can’t
- How men and women’s perception of a good man differs
Hot Topics & Takeaways:
- How women can identify a good man
- The element that women cannot control when waiting for a good man
- Places that good men frequent
Dangers and Difficulties:
- Why some women lack the patience to wait for a good man to find them
- The mistake many women make that gives men control over them
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June 22, 2015
I love Men Chat! Always, always, always. 😀 I’m still so glad that you still do this show. I have learned so much about men that they don’t tell us in person!
“If a man has never been taught how to be a good man, how can you expect him to be a good man?”
My question is, as a woman, how can I help him with that? All I can do is not choose him. But then it seems like there are so few men who had good examples growing up. It’s a lot of men not to choose.
Aww, looking at a person’s heart. That was sweet to say, Jay! But they can have a great heart and terrible behavior. And that behavior matters.
I do agree that women get impatient. I am definitely one of those women! I can’t swallow the pill, Jay. I just gag on it and spit it out, lol. Waiting for men to choose you is so excruciating. They can be SO SLOOOOOOW. So while I see the wisdom of your words, but I honestly would rather be meditating in a yoga studio in peace without a man than to wait for one to figure out what he wants. And honestly, by the time a man gets his act together to choose me mentally I’ve long since checked out.
What if a man decides to choose you but he’s waited too long? I think if the pacing between two people is that different, they aren’t right for one another. Chasing men doesn’t work. Waiting for them to find and chase you doesn’t always work, either.
I have another question. What if you really aren’t wanting to be found? What if your focus is on work, or spirituality, or whatever is making a woman happy at the time? Does she now drop that because a man has ‘found’ her? I wouldn’t. I remember a previous guest on your show who chose her nursing career over her man. When I’m seeking I’m willing to invest in a man. When my focus is elsewhere, I can’t really be bothered with men.
“A lot of women are single today because the man that God has chosen for them, they don’t want.”
God gives us free will. He can put the perfect man or woman in front of you. But if you don’t truly want that man or woman it doesn’t matter that God Himself chose him for you. It doesn’t. Free will causes a lot of trouble! But it’s an essential part of choosing a mate. You have to want to be with that person. I’m not sure sometimes why God allows us free will, but I know it’s here to stay.
Interesting about the library! I never look at men there. Ever! Again, I’m not a multi-tasker. When I’m in the library I’m focused on books, not men. Hey, it is what it is.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be an ‘unmarried’ as Dr. Wiley called it. I don’t think women have to be desperate for men. If it’s not meant, it’s not meant. I just want some peace and if the end of times comes and I’ve found some peace in my corner of the world, man or no man, I’ll considered it a life well-spent. 🙂
June 23, 2015
Hey Autumn! I am so glad that you are still enjoying the MenChat series. Thank you so much for taking the time out to invest in listening to this discussion. I truly appreciate it.
Honestly, I don’t believe it is a woman’s responsibility to teach a man how to be a “good man”. That is something a man must be taught by his father or other male role models. Or in a case similar to mine, it’s something a man must invest time to learn for himself through seeking God, reading the right books and through interactions with other good men.
I would never put the responsibility on a woman. However, if a woman does desire to help, she can recommend positive role models, books and other beneficial teachings to the man. But it is on the man to decide whether he will act on the valuable information that she has provided him with.
This doesn’t happen often, but I must disagree with you. (lol) I do not believe a person can have a good heart and have terrible behavior. Our hearts are indicative of our character. A person can have good character or a good heart and behave in a manner that does not align with that. It’s not possible. If a person’s behavior is terrible, so is their heart and their character. That is precisely why God looks at our heart. Our hearts are the root from which our behavior stems from. If the behavior is bad, the heart is too.
You and every woman has every right to make your own choices. All I would say is be prepared to live with the result of those choices, whether good or bad. There’s where I think most people miss the make. A person can’t say they want to do things their way AND complain because they aren’t getting what they want. They are getting exactly what they chose. If they don’t like what they are getting, it may be time to consider whether “doing things their way” is truly worth it to them.
Honestly, it’s not about chasing or finding. That’s only the case when we are talking about impatient people who don’t have the proper priorities in life. Our #1 priority in life is not finding or getting found by a spouse and getting married. God makes our #1 priority in life clear in Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”
If we are not seeking God’s kingdom and His righteousness first and foremost then our priorities are out of alignment. However, every person has the free will to choose their own priorities in life. They also must deal with the result of those choices, whether they are pleased with them or not.
In regards to a woman who doesn’t want to be found, the same principle applies. She has the ability to choose and she also must accept the result of her choice. I don’t mean to be redundant, but the principle is the same. It boils down to choice. God isn’t going to make us do anything. I’m not going to make anyone do anything. Everyone has the right to make their own choices. I believe that wholeheartedly.
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your thoughts and posing some great questions. I hope that something I shared is helpful.
God bless you!
June 23, 2015
Hi Jay! Yes, I really enjoyed this Men Chat as I enjoy nearly every one of them.
I’m glad you say it’s not a woman’s responsibility to help a man become a good man. It’s hard to even ‘enhance’ his behavior. Just like women have to find their way to becoming who they are supposed to be, so do men. It’s work one has to do on one’s own.
As for terrible behavior, it depends on the definition of terrible. I haven’t really known a man I’d consider terrible. But some are selfish due to having lived alone most of their lives and just . . . thoughtless. Is being chronically late a terrible act? Not really. But it’s a pet peeve of mind that has ended both a twelve-year female friendship and a relationship. Is a friend who never visits you while you visit them a terrible person? I don’t think so. They just aren’t going to do it. Or not going to do that . . . for you. So those are the behaviors I mean. Your mileage may vary about whether they are ‘terrible’ or not. But I have ended things for such behaviors.
I’ve thought about what you said about wanting change and wanting things your way. The thing is . . . change is hard and it takes a long time. I have goals for myself but I also have patience for myself (sometimes) when it comes to achieving them. I do try, but it’s a long road.
I personally find it hard to seek God and my peace with Him AND to be available for a relationship. Could be the men I’m choosing, could be where I am in my life, and it could be my innate inability to multi-task. Maybe all three! So even if I were to seek God more deliberately, I don’t know, I probably wouldn’t be in the space to meet whomever God has decided for me.
But I understand what you are saying. I am rather attached to my free will. Many of us are. I think God allows it to us and I am fully aware of the consequences. Currently, I don’t have any major regrets about anything in my life. If becoming closer to God, means not having a husband I can definitely live with that!
Thanks for replying, Jay! Keep the Men Chats coming!
June 24, 2015
Oh yeah! There will definitely be some more episodes of MenChat coming. Stay tuned!
July 15, 2015
Menchat is awesome sauce. Ok so maybe just awesome lol. I believe there are no more good men if there are then where are they please rise from up above. I believe it comes from the family on how a boy turns into a man. Good point jay how do identify a good man. I recently dated a suit man didn’t go well because he was jaded very badly and I didnt do anything to him. I can’t be his therapist I can listen but not if he is trying to always say black women this n black women that was the part that got on my nerves. I agree with Jay that the heart will tell it all not his car, money, or house. I need your heart first then everything else will follow. I stop pursuing I let him find me and then let him show me who he is and let his true colors unfold. I refuse to be with any man due to loneliness I am enjoying my singleness. It’s hard to be a women who wants to be with a good man because that man has to want to be with a good women from his values and morals. I don’t seek or hunt but I agree some women might do that so it might confuse a man but still a man needs to man up up his game and court a women stop trying to let social media etc tell you how to be a man. Or find a role model in your family that can help you or mentor you in being a man. The big buddy program is a great program when their are boys at first leading into being a man. Lol @Dr. Wiley comment on the height in a man your right it shouldn’t matter now that is ridiculous. Jay you are so crazy hitting the rewind button lol. Great podcast.
My only question is when are men going to stop being so jaded because thats making them or putting them in that category of not being a good man.
Go menchat!
July 20, 2015
Hey Renatha!
I am so happy to hear that you enjoyed this episode so much. Thank you for listening.
In regards to your question, a man (and a woman) who is jaded must make a personal decision to deal with their issues and make a positive change. They should also refrain from dating or entering a relationship during the period that they are focusing and working on themselves.
If a man has not dealt with his past issues, that’s a clear indicator for a woman that he is not truly ready for a relationship. The moment a woman becomes aware that a man may be jaded, she may consider speaking with him delicately regarding the his past, but don’t press him about it. If a man is unwilling to discuss it, a woman may consider not getting to seriously involved with him.
Great question Renatha! I hope that I adequately answered it for you.
Thank you for your continued support!
July 20, 2015
Hey Renatha!
I am so happy to hear that you enjoyed this episode so much. Thank you for listening.
In regards to your question, a man (and a woman) who is jaded must make a personal decision to deal with their issues and make a positive change. They should also refrain from dating or entering a relationship during the period that they are focusing and working on themselves.
If a man has not dealt with his past issues, that’s a clear indicator for a woman that he is not truly ready for a relationship. The moment a woman becomes aware that a man may be jaded, she may consider speaking with him delicately regarding the his past, but don’t press him about it. If a man is unwilling to discuss it, a woman may consider not getting to seriously involved with him.
Great question Renatha! I hope that I adequately answered it for you.
Thank you for your continued support!