20: How to Build a Relationship After Sex

In an ideal world, couples should establish a relationship before having sex.


However, in today’s society, that isn’t always the case.


So, what can a couple do to build their relationship on a more solid foundation than sex?


As challenging as the task may seem, it is not an impossible feat.


If you would like to learn how you can build a relationship after having sex first, you must listen to the latest podcast episode, ‘The Sex Was Great, But Now What? (How to Build a Relationship After Sex)’:



If you know someone who can benefit from this, whether they are single or in a relationship, please share it with them, by pressing ‘click to tweet’ below.


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Episode Title: The Sex Was Great, But Now What? (How to Build a Relationship After Sex)


Guests: Crystal HickersonFollow Her on Twitter * J-Full Follow Him on Twitter


Music: Anthony White – Gotta Have You * Felicia Temple – If That’s What You Want



  • In my younger more dirtbag days, I had a two week rule. If I wasn’t getting the yams in like two weeks, I was on to the next.” – J-Full


  • “Just because you’re horny doesn’t mean you should be screwing around.” – Crystal Hickerson


  • “If I’m going to lay down with you on the first night or the first week or whatever and I don’t care, then nine times out of ten I don’t want to be with you. I just want to have sex with you.” – Crystal Hickerson


  • “I feel like it is more difficult for women to deal with rejection, especially sexual rejection, than it is for men.” – Jay


  • “When someone says they don’t want a relationship, then I take it as you don’t want a relationship with me.” – Crystal Hickerson


Key Lessons:

  • The conversation that people MUST have before having sex
  • The importance of building a relationship on the RIGHT foundation
  • How to press reset and build a relationship on the RIGHT foundation


Hot Topics & Takeaways:

  • The 90 Day Rule
  • The “Sex Test” that men give women
  • Sexual competition between women


Dangers & Difficulties

  • The misinterpretation of sex for intimacy
  • The dangers of building a relationship solely on sex
  • The difficulty of walking away from someone when the sex is great
  • The danger of confusing passion with disfunction


Experience is the Best Teacher:

  • J-Full shares his experience with pregnancy scares


Hold Yourself Accountable:

Make a decision about which is more important to you: sex or developing a serious relationship with someone that will last.


Apply the Principles:

“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:1-2(ESV)


Take Action Now:

  1. Make a decision to, at the very least, develop a relationship before having sex .
  2. Take time to discuss the sexual aspect of your relationship with your partner before having sex.
  3. Stand firm on your convictions and the foundation that you and your partner mutually established at the beginning of your relationship.
  4. Hold one another accountable to stay the course and not crack the foundation of the relationship by compromising on your convictions and original foundation.


Show Some Love:

Please leave me a comment or a private message answering the following question:

Do you believe it’s possible to truly develop a lasting relationship after having sex first?

  • Autumn
    July 1, 2014

    Gosh, I love how frank and honest these guests were! Props to them!

    “Even when women have that knowledge, they still don’t make wise decisions.”

    I was just having this conversation offline. It seems to be a thing men
    have trouble understanding. Why would women put their feelings so at
    risk? Sigh. Life is long. Sex feels good for women too. I think if you
    don’t have seriously strong convictions, after a long time you wonder
    what you are waiting for. Maybe what you are waiting for will never
    come. Who knows? But if you don’t have other things going on in your
    life that affirm your decision it’s a hard row to hoe.

    And heck, most men have no such convictions. Temptation in your path! 😉

    Do you believe it’s possible to truly develop a lasting relationship after having sex first?

    Sure. Anything is possible. It’s just more difficult. Especially with someone
    you don’t know that well. Because once the lust fades, it’s less likely
    there is something else there to fall back on. But again, not impossible.

    • Jay
      July 1, 2014

      I know, right?! They didn’t hold back at all. I loved it!

      Great point Autumn. It is possible, but it’s usually a long and difficult road afterwards.

      Thank you so much for listening and sharing your thoughts, as well as answering the question I posed. I truly appreciate that.

  • singlemomsmile1
    July 1, 2014

    Jay you sure did end this series with a “bang”. Yes pun intended LOL. J. Full was raw and uncut. I was cracking up during my work out when he said he had to “get it twice” to make sure his sex game was on point. Chrystal had me dying laughing when she said most women think men are animals anyway. I must admit there are a few men I wonder if they are homo sapiens.

    I’ve rushed sex back in the day because like J. Full I felt like we were grown and it was what I wanted. However, he did not take me seriously in the end. I’ve also rushed sex in a failed attempt to establish an emotional connection. I don’t recommend this.

    In regards to turning down a friend who offers sex I’ve been in that situation too. I didnt want to ruin the friendship. He handled it well.

    I don’t subscribe to the 90 day rule but my sister tried it and weeded out a loser…only to go back to her no good ex. So really what good does the rule do?

    I think people who choose sex over meaningful relationships are selfish from my experience. It’s all about getting “their” needs met. I’ve mistaken sex for intimacy in the past. I naively assumed because it meant something for me it meant something for him. Plus he was saying/doing things to keep me emotionally invested.

    • Jay
      July 1, 2014

      LOL! Yes, they “banged” this episode out of the park.

      You’re not the only one who was getting your laugh on from this episode. I’ve had quite a few other R.E.A.L. Lovers share the same sentiment. I’m so thankfully that you all enjoyed it so much.

      It’s no surprise that the 90 day rule doesn’t always work out. To be honest, it’s a rule, not a principle or a conviction. That means that it’s destined to expire at some point.

      I agree with you. I believe selfishness is a HUGE part of many people’s desire to just GTD (Get the Drawls) and not focus on building meaningful relationships.

      However, like I believe Autumn shared not too long ago, they get what they put into it. You know?

    • Autumn
      July 1, 2014

      I agree, Singlemom. I think they are selfish which is okay if both people are being selfish. Not everyone is ready for a long term relationship and willing to be celibate while waiting.

      I was going to say I don’t know why people say things they don’t mean to keep their partners emotionally hooked, but the podcast explained that. They want the drawers. I just don’t know why sex is worth trading your integrity for. Eventually, you have to go home and live with yourself. I don’t mean to judge anyone, just truly am wondering.

      • Jay
        July 1, 2014

        You’re not the only one Autumn. I’ve wondered the same thing.

        Personally, I just can’t fathom it. Especially, with my new found knowledge of how vital our character is.

        I honestly don’t value sex enough, and I pray that I never do, to place it before my own integrity or above the value of a woman.

        That just seems so backwards to me.

        • Autumn
          July 2, 2014

          I guess people are really not thinking about the other person’s (like Singlemomsmile1’s ex) feelings at all. It is weird to encounter such a person because I never think like that at all. But that’s how one can get fooled when you can’t even fathom such selfishness. I’m just trying not to expect people to be selfish because it only makes one wary and bitter.

          That said, most people, male and female value sex a lot. It’s important but not at all costs.

          • singlemomsmile1
            July 2, 2014

            Yeah Autum I know what you mean. It’s hard to understand selfish people when you aren’t wired that way. However, if you look behind the masks that most selfish people wear you will see pain, low self esteem, etc. And one will get an understanding of what their driving force is. Don’t get me wrong not making any excuses. I just like to get an understanding. Even the word says above anything else get an understanding. I just can’t remember where I read it.

            As with anything in life we also need to look at the role we played in the situation. How did we let such people into our inner sanctum? You live and you learn. Being taken advantage of and hurt feelings are only a few of the many dangers of premarital sex.

        • singlemomsmile1
          July 2, 2014

          Jay I also find truly selfish people lack integrity in many areas of their lives not just in relationships.

          • Jay
            July 2, 2014

            That’s very TRUE!!!

  • Destiny's Truth
    July 2, 2014

    This podcast was informative, but the guest were so honest and raw that I found myself laughing. The comment by JFull about comparing the “inside parts” with the external was so shocking. Chrystal was so open and honest when she said that women have the knowledge, but still make the wrong decisions. That is sad, but so true in many instances. I was tickled when she was making remarks about JFull’s responses. This was another great, great show. I agree that this was quite a way to end the month and bring in July with such a fiery hot topic. Really enjoyed!

    • Jay
      July 2, 2014

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feedback Destiny!

      I am so happy that you enjoyed the discussion and got some good laughs in too.

  • Destiny's Truth
    July 2, 2014

    I believe it is possible to develop a meaningful relationship in some very rare cases, after having sex. However, most times it starts wrong and ends that way too.

    • Jay
      July 2, 2014

      I agree. It’s a rare occurrence that it works out and more often than not it’s going to end the same way it started…wrong.

      That’s a great point! Thank you for sharing it Destiny!

  • emilyjanegilbert
    July 2, 2014

    I’m with Crystal that chances were great that if I slept with you and just met you- that’s all I was wanting too. Honestly, some men HATED that, and would try their hardest to win me over and I was all “eh”. I’ve never been rejected for sex. My relationship with my childs father was based on that, it gold old after a few months, and by then I had become pregnant and it all went to hell after that (as you well know).

    I think discussing it before hand is always the best idea. I guess nobody really wants to “discuss” things like that, in fear it’ll take the passion out of it, but everyone should be on the same page as far as motive goes. I’m of the opinion a relationship can be built around the sex if you are an older adult. Honestly, when your younger you have all these *ideas* on love, and who you should and should be with. By the time your in your 30s it mostly seems like a non issue. Maybe that’s just my perception though.

    • Autumn
      July 2, 2014

      I don’t think being older is always helps. When older one has to deal with being set in one’s ways. Change can be difficult. That said, hormones do affect people differently at different ages. I think when a person is at their sexual peak it’s more difficult to think clearly and make informed sexual choices. That’s good to remember.

      I had this weird thought that maybe I don’t want extreme sexual attraction with my next partner. It’s so difficult at a 10. Maybe a 7 or 8? LOL.

      It’s probably not age, hormones, or how attracted people are to one another. They are factors but we are humans and capable of much. We can make informed choices if that’s really important to us and we have the support of our partner.

      • Jay
        July 2, 2014

        “We can make informed choices if that’s really important to us and we have the support of our partner.”

        That statement puts things into perspective nicely Autumn!

      • emilyjanegilbert
        July 3, 2014

        Yes I like your last statement. I agree with you that sometimes it works out better if our level of “Desire” is lower- then you actually get to know the person, instead of just be hot and heavy CONSTANTLY until it isn’t fun for one or the other.

    • Jay
      July 2, 2014

      I really enjoy your candidness and honesty Emily!

      I can definitely understand why those men hated your response to sex with them. Men, even though most probably won’t admit it, know that most women become even more emotionally attached after sex. For a woman not to demonstrate that must be a shock to many men. I know it would be to me, if I ever found myself in such a situation.

      Yet, like you stated, the key is to have a discussion and ensure that both people are on the same page. No doubt about that.

      • emilyjanegilbert
        July 3, 2014

        I guess they were used to women calling or texting them after hooking up, and I just wouldn’t. I figured if they wanted to keep me around they would, LOL. I don’t think some of them wanted to be with me- they just wanted me to react how they were used to be reacted to, or expected to me. I didn’t want to make hooking up a “big deal” – especially if I didn’t know them all that well.

        I’ve never seen it as a big deal, and even though I’ve kept my legs closed the last 2.5 years I still don’t : – even though I love God- I’m just so backwards on the whole subject. I just don’t do it now so I don’t wind up pregnant again and find history repeating itself.

        • Jay
          July 3, 2014

          That totally makes sense Emily.

          I can understand that. I’m curious, have you always felt that way about sex or have you developed that perspective over time?

  • Julia
    July 6, 2014

    This was a great podcast and quite REAL. Honestly, I’m torn on whether or not it is profitable or feasible to build a relationship after sex (though I don’t deny the possibility altogether). Once you’ve been opened up to someone on the physical level, it is quite difficult to extract that element from your relationship or involvement with them. I guess it all boils down to boundaries because there is a history between you and that person that cannot be altered, but it doesn’t have to repeat itself and leave the two persons empty handed. If all you valued was the time they devoted their body to you, then 9 times out of 10 a relationship would be secondary to the assurance that sex will still be had. Is it really worth it if sex is all you’re after? Hmmmm…However, if you and that person are able to see beyond the sexual component of your involvement to the point that you perceive a greater degree of value to that person than the services they readily provide; then it is possible that you can establish a relationship.
    Strike the past and start from scratch; get acquainted on the mind, emotional, and spiritual level first. How can you relate to someone that you’ve only settled for having relations with? Avail yourself to that person in a way that they know they mean more to you than getting it in. The whole concept of a relationship is to establish commonalities with a person of interest and veer into the possibility of making them a mainstay in your life based upon your desire to get to know them better while demonstrating your feelings toward them. If I’m claiming someone, then that person has essentially become a priority for me (i.e. their likes/dislikes, hobbies, family structure, fears, allergies, pet peeves, goals, etc.). As a celibate woman, I believe sex should not be seen as a means to an end (after establishing the relationship), but a conduit of success to a vibrant relationship…in the confinement of marriage.

    • Jay
      July 6, 2014

      Hey Julia!

      I am so glad that you enjoyed this discussion.

      I agree with you. After a couple establishes a physical connection with one another, it is very difficult to remove that element from the relationship. I can’t even begin to imagine how much of a challenge that must be.

      Like you stated, establish boundaries is extremely necessary. A true commitment to respect those boundaries and to stand firm on the conviction to not have sex must be made by both partners too.

      “Is it really worth it if sex is all you’re after?” – That is a great question.

      Personally, if sex is the only objective, I don’t believe that’s a relationship worth investing in or remaining in.

      I believe in situations where couples have sex before establishing a relationships, it is a must that they repent (change their minds) and begin thinking about their relationship for an entirely different perspective.

      I really like the point that you made about a partner becoming a priority in your life. I think that is very key.

      “I believe sex should not be seen as a means to an end (after establishing the relationship), but a conduit of success to a vibrant relationship…in the confinement of marriage.”

      YES! I really like the way you put that. Amazing point and comment Julia! Thank you so much for sharing such valuable insights.

  • Renatha
    July 6, 2014

    Enjoyed another great podcast. I agree that the partners should have the “where are we going talk” beforehand so both partners are on the same page with what you all want in the relationship after you have had the sexual encounter. I believe that when you don’t have the talk before sex it causes confusion and some men or some women will have you thinking you are okay with how things are going so what’s the need to talk about planning for a monogomous relationship that could lead to marriage. I agree with Crystal where the man ends up marrying the sweet women after he has played in the sheets with another women with that being said it leaves the other person confused. I still don’t understand why some men (I did say some) can’t just wait on sex and see where it goes with that particular person (as mentioned in the podcast). It’s a lot of pressure if your not having sex with your partner because of your beliefs but some women know that a man will leave anyways if he has sex with you or doesn’t have sex with you. I believe that if a man leaves anyways because of my own beliefs then he wasn’t worth my time in the first place and he is more then happy to leave and go have sex with another women just not me and I will continue to wait on god. Sorry if I was too blunt just then but as you get older you get tired of the games lies manipulation and just want peace love and happiness as al green would put it. We as people should just have more self control beige consuming good sex as we may call it. Not to steer away from the topic but what happened to the good ole days back in the day where you meet a person and you talked to a person on the phone, held hands in public, ate ice cream and shared an ice cream cone (you know where you pick a flavor he really wanted and he picks a flavor you really wanted and you share). Sorry if that sounds corny but hey I’m old fashioned so I think that’s sweet, fun n loving. ;’) Back to the topic I agree with Crystal that the foundation for a relationship is friendship as well I would say communication, sharing hobbies, having fun, family outings etc. I didn’t mean to laugh at J but when he said he had to get it twice that was funny but thanks for being open and honest on the show about your encounters, thoughts and concerns. One last thing I think the way people can reset after sex is by strong effective communication, getting involved more in society or outdoor events, playing scramble haha , praying more together and most importantly alllowing god to step in and do his will.

    • Jay
      July 6, 2014

      Hey Renatha!

      I am so excited that you are now a part of the R.E.A.L. Love community! You have no idea how much that means to me. It is such a blessing to me.

      I appreciate you not only listening to the podcast, but taking time to leave a comment and share your thoughts too. Thank you so much for that!

      I agree with you completely that a couple must have the “where are we going” and the “what are we” talk before engaging in any sexual activities.

      You’re right about the confusion that can result when those talks aren’t had. You pointed out one of the biggest challenges too: Not being on the same page. That is HUGE and a requirement for any healthy relationship that’s going to truly last.

      “Some women know that a man will leave anyways if he has sex with you or doesn’t have sex with you.”

      YES! Renatha that is TRUTH! A woman can’t control a man. Therefore, she should never make certain discussions, such as having sex before she’s ready, thinking that it will lead a man to do something that she desires for him to do. There is no guarantee, at all, that he will do what she wants. Like you stated, some men will leave a woman when they receive sex from her and when they don’t. Therefore, women must exercise the control they have over their bodies wisely and not be manipulated into believe they can use their bodies as a pawn to get a man to do something they want him to do.

      No, you were not too blunt, at all. That’s exactly what needed to be said and I am so glad that you said it.

      I’m with you. Things were done so much better back in the day, compared to today, in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I know things weren’t perfect back then, but there were a lot of things that I believe made relationships better and more beneficial back in the day…or so I’m told. lol

      Yes, building on a friendship foundation is very important. No doubt about.

      Oh yeah! J-Full had plenty of people cracking up at with that comment. I’m sure many men could relate and many women had likely never heard a man be so direct and honest about such a thing. lol

      You know you have to explain how scrabble can help a couple reset. I must hear that Renatha! LOL!

      “Praying more together and most importantly allowing god to step in and do his will.”

      I agree that those two activities will truly benefit couples in more ways than they may realize. I appreciate you sharing that insight.

      Thank you so much Renatha! Your comment was truly amazing and packed full of valuable insights.

  • Renatha
    July 7, 2014

    I am so happy to be apart of R.E.A.L Love Community it’s a blessing to be able to share my thoughts and concerns with others who are apart of this community as well. I must say that I really enjoy the topics on here as well and how it is touching and reaching so many of us in our busy daily lives. As far as playing scramble I brought that up because it’s a fun and exciting game and as you play it you take your mind away from even thinking about sex. Now you can play battleship or monopoly basically just playing a fun board game where it’s challenging your mind and his mind in other ways so you are using energy in a positive way and having fun with your partner as well. It’s like when some guys play video games to help them relax etc there utilizing there thinking skills in to completing that game and or getting to the next level so playing board games could be the same situation. Stepping out of our normal elements will help us learn one another and get back to the basics of a relationship where you used to just have fun everything else will happen when it’s suppose to happen according to God’s will in my opinion.

    • Jay
      July 7, 2014

      Oh yeah! I love our community. It truly is a blessing from God.

      That totally makes sense to me now. Monopoly is my game of choice. lol

      “Stepping out of our normal elements will help us learn one another and
      get back to the basics of a relationship where you used to just have fun
      everything else will happen when it’s suppose to happen according to
      God’s will in my opinion.”

      That statement is REAL TALK!!!

      Thank you so much for answering my question Renatha. I truly appreciate it!

  • Don
    July 9, 2014

    Well, I wouldn’t view your decision to wait until marriage as crazy, not at all, though I’d say it falls somewhere in between too risky and plain unbelievable. But then, there’s only one man who walks in your shoes – you. And I’m sure you know and will forever understand what’s best for yourself.

    Coincidentally, I once became involved with a woman who preferred to wait until marriage. Since we were already good friends prior to our relationship, sex or lack of sex wasn’t really a big deal (okay, it was a big deal). At least at some points it felt like a big deal. I knew what I had signed up for though, I guess.

    Eventually, 3 years later to be exact, she believed in me enough to go against her previous wishes. Of course I eventually messed up and she finally left me. To the day, I can honestly say that she’s the most satisfying woman I’ve ever been seriously involved with. Thanks in large part to her wait allowing me to really connect with this woman on all of the other non-sexual levels.

    I enjoyed that woman like no other woman in my past or present. Not even my current woman compares to the intimacy shared with that woman. So, in the end, I feel you and definitely respect your decision to wait until marriage.

    Cause although it’s about sex, it’s definitely not ALL about sex. Good luck, bro.

    • Jay
      July 10, 2014

      That is so powerful Don.

      I truly believe that women who don’t have a conviction to wait, miss out on truly getting to know men. Also, men miss out on the same great experiences when a woman is willing to give him her body before first getting to know him and connecting with him on an emotional level.

      Thank you so much for sharing that experience Don. It’s so refreshing and encouraging to hear!

      You’re right, sex is important, but it’s not everything.

      Great comment. Thank you again for sharing bro!

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