14: How to Change the Pace of Your Relationship

Do you feel like the pace of your relationship is off?


Perhaps things are progressing too quickly or too slowly.


If that’s the case, you need to consider changing your relationship pace.


I’ll admit, it’s not going to be an overnight fix, but it’s definitely possible for you to do.


If you are interested in learning how to change the pace of your relationship, start by listening to the podcast episode, ‘How to Change the Pace of Your Relationship’:



If you know someone who can benefit from this please share it with them, by pressing ‘click to tweet’ below.


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Episode Title: How to Change the Pace of Your Relationship


Guests: VanityCheck Out Her BlogFollow Her on Twitter * QuincyFollow Him on Twitter


Music: Trey Songz – What’s Best For You *  Kelly Price ft. Ruben Studdard – Back to Love



  • “Hitting milestones really quickly, doesn’t necessarily make for longevity in your relationship.” – Vanity


  • “A lot of guys are slow movers, especially if the ultimate goal is marriage, because you want to get it right.” – Quincy


  • “I believe in actions. I could care less what someone says, if they aren’t doing anything that coincides with what they’re saying.” – Quincy


  • “When I commit to somebody, there is no halfway about it for me. I’m either going to give you all of me or I’m not giving you any of me.” – Vanity


  • “There’s nothing about relationships that’s ever going to be cookie cutter, step-by-step process…ever!” – Vanity


Key Lessons:

  • The importance of both partners moving at the same pace
  • The reason making sacrifices is necessary to keep your partner happy and maintain a healthy relationship
  • How to find and develop a relationship pace that is balanced


Hot Topics & Takeaways:

  • The fear a lot of men have about marrying the wrong woman
  • The differences between emotional and physical pacing in a relationship
  • How to combat against outside pressure to change the pace of your relationship


Experience is the Best Teacher:

  • Vanity shares how she dealt with the frustration of being in a relationship that she felt wasn’t progressing fast enough


Fun Times & Stories:

  •  Quincy shares a story about a woman who was ready to move in with him on the first date!


Hold Yourself Accountable:

Be man or woman enough to acknowledge that you are moving too fast or too slow.


If you aren’t satisfied with your relationship pace, hold yourself accountable to speak up and express how you feel with your partner.


Apply the Principles:

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.”  1 Peter 4:8-10(NIV)


Take Action Now:

  1. Know why you want to change the pace of your relationship
  2. Seriously think about and consider the positive and negative impacts that changing the pace of your relationship will have on you and your partner
  3. Be able to clearly and verbally explain why you believe a change of pace is necessary for your relationship and discuss how you feel with your partner
  4.  Mutually decide to initiate a trial period where you both will test out the proposed new pace


Show Some Love:

Please leave me a comment or a private message answering the following question:

What do you think about increasing the pace of your relationship because you’re bored?

  • Autumn
    June 11, 2014

    Thanks, Jay for answering my questions! I love how interactive this site is and I hope others come out to comment as well.

    I agree with your point. Moving fast doesn’t make things better. But it can make something actually happen. If it takes too long I can lose interest. I do remember one guy (more than one) saying, “I can’t keep up with you.” And I’m not sure if that meant emotionally or what. And when I say move I mean things like, if we are bantering back and forth, are we on the same wavelength? Is he witty? That sort of thing attracts me and if a man can’t attract me we humor, well, we’re on shaky ground to begin with. No, it doesn’t mean he has to be a comedian. But you guys know what I mean.

    My mind needs to be stimulated for me to remain attracted. Just like a man has to be attracted physically, I have to be attracted mentally. I remember in a previous podcast you said earlier in your life your questions were first: “Is she pretty? Does she like me? Do I like her? Good.”” Back then those were your requirements. I have more now but first before looks for me is: “Is he smart? Is he funny? Do I like him?” If those answers are no, then, I will get bored. So I’m not sure if that’s about pace, but that’s how I’m wired to be attracted to someone early on.

    When I was in class I used to read a novel and take notes in class. I could do both because just taking notes wasn’t enough to keep me present. And I still could keep up. Maybe I should date multiple people! Would certainly be stimulating. But I don’t know, I usually end up liking one person more and then it’s just not fair to the other(s) because you’re just comparing them to him.

    “People do a lot of shady things when they are not interested.”

    There are some shady grady people out there, Jay! They do A LOT of confusing stuff. I’m learning to cut them loose quicker and quicker. A man who likes you well enough won’t leave you confused about whether he likes you. It’s simple.

    I also agree eventually that things do slow down. That just takes a while for me. But whomever I date next we’ll have to talk more about it to make sure we’re on the same page along the way.

    I’m curious if anyone else has thoughts on boredom and pacing?

    • Jay
      June 11, 2014

      Autumn, I honestly cracked up when I read this:

      “When I was in class I used to read a novel and take notes in class. I
      could do both because just taking notes wasn’t enough to keep me
      present. And I still could keep up. Maybe I should date multiple
      people! Would certainly be stimulating.”

      Your candidness and honesty are amazing. I love it!

      I think the things you mentioned fall more into compatibility as opposed to pace, in my opinion.

      The key is you know what you want. Trust me, you’re step ahead of most men and women in that regard.

      However, like you’ve shared with me before, it can be challenging to find someone who has what you need. Yet, thankfully, I don’t think it’s an impossible feat. I just requires patience.

      That’s one thing I love about women: how well you all are at multitasking. I admit it’s not one of my strong suits.

      No doubt about all the shady folk out here in the world. Gotta swerve them with the quickness!

      I’m hoping more people will chime in and share their thoughts too.

    • James J
      June 13, 2014

      Hey Autumn,

      I agree with many of the things that you said, and just would like add my perspective to it. You said something in your first paragraph about a faster pace can make something actually happen.
      I think that the pacing of the relationship is really determined by what you want to get out of the relationship, and where you want it to go. If your end goal is a long term relationship or marriage, then its best to take a slow pace. I see many relationships and marriages where the spouses can finish each others sentences, like they are on the same wavelength. I think thats acquired over time, each person taking a slow pace getting to know each other.

      I’ve learned as a guy, its better to take a slow pace than a faster pace in a relationship. A faster pace in a relationship is prone to more mistakes. This is me talking from experience. Don’t get me wrong even at a slower pace, their will be mistakes, just fewer of them.

      • Jay
        June 13, 2014

        Great insight James!

        Thank you so much for sharing it and joining in the discussion with Autumn. I truly appreciate that.

      • Autumn
        June 14, 2014

        Thanks for your comment, James!

        It seems the majority believe that slow and steady wins the race. 🙂 I
        do think a faster pace will make something happen. But I didn’t say
        that something would last, just it would get started. Which I thought
        was better than nothing getting started. And you do hear stories of
        people that meet and get started right away and it works for them for

        That said, there isn’t really a substitute for getting to
        know a person face-to-face over time. Those relationships are real. I
        do move quickly at least in the beginning and then I eventually slow
        down and get to know a person for real. It’s like tearing off the paper
        off a Christmas gift. How exciting is that? But to actually explore and
        use the gift takes time. Some gifts last a lifetime, and some only for a
        day. But I love the excitement of just having something new in the
        beginning. I don’t want to lose that excitement.

        So there can be
        both. Slowly getting to know someone but maintaining the momentum and
        excitement along the way. It’s just not something easy for me to do.
        But I will keep it in mind for the future!

        I appreciate the time you took to write this! Really got me thinking.

        • Jay
          June 14, 2014

          I really like the Christmas gift analogy Autumn. That’s a great depiction of the point you’re making.

        • singlemomsmile1
          June 14, 2014

          I used to be what I like to call “addicted to excitement”. The reason being was I was missing a key element in my life. You know it, a relationship with Jesus. I am not saying that’s your issues and I’m definetly not trying to be preachy. It’s just that this has been my experience and if I can help someone get it then good.

          I don’t know how old you are but I’m a 36 yr old mother of one. I can’t afford to make the same mistakes over again. I also want God’s best for my life. We should all want that no matter our station in life.

          Back to the excitement addiction. I have been in recovery for 7mths. It’s been that long since I ended the 8 yr situation I have spoken of before. That was a trip. We ran fast and we ran hard. There was a lot of excitement that over time turned into drama. We were both addicted.

          I desire for my next relationship to go a lil something like the way I grill food. I know God has his owns plans and I’m cool with any detour He provides. Come with me for a moment.

          I marinate the meat over night in the fridge to allow the meat and season adequate time to get acquainted. When it’s time to cook I light the coals and bring the fire to a roar. I’m not pyromaniac but I love a good burn. Once the coals turn white I place the meat on the grill. It’s essential to wait until the flames down and the coals are only warm or else the whole meal can go up in smoke! For the 1st few mins I stand guard 2 be sure no flames flicker that could spark a full blown fire. If any are present I sprinkle with water 2 bring it under control. As the meat slow roasts it becomes juicy, tender and infused with seasonings. This is not to be sexual in nature. Stay with me Lovers! Once the meat has been grilled to perfection it is ready to be served.

          • Jay
            June 14, 2014

            WOW! Look at y’all with these AMAZING analogies!!!

            Now you got me craving some BBQ Ariel. LOL!

          • singlemomsmile1
            June 14, 2014

            LOL Jay!

  • singlemomsmile1
    June 14, 2014

    Oh my I feel as if I wrote this post. When I was in nursing school I would sit in the back of the class and do other things while taking notes. It’s like my brain is on overdrive but The Lord has been showing me how to slow it down. As a result if my brain always being on fast forward it is difficult to live in te moment. Living in the moment has been very rewarding. Who knew?
    I too find an intellectually stimulating man attractive. I had a motto, “You have to stimulate my mind before you stimulate my body” LOL the ‘body’ part has long since changed. He doesn’t have to be the Greek God Adonis or anything but dress well and be intelligent will get my attention. To keep my attention he has to be a Man of God.
    I totally agree that people can do some shady things when they aren’t interested. I know I’ve done my share back in the day. Even if it wasnt blatant using a man for money or anything like that. But I have used in the past to get certain needs met. Ahhh the growth. Be blessed my sister. I look forward to chatting it up with you.


    • Autumn
      June 14, 2014

      Hi Ariel! Thanks for responding to my comment. It’s so good to hear people joining the discussion here.

      I’m glad someone else can identify with impatience and needing mental stimulation to be attracted to someone. Part of my impatience is simply wondering if and when the guy will stimulate my mind. I wonder if they know that?

      This discussion has me thinking about the virtues of patience. And patience in all aspects–mental attraction, physical attraction, the whole nine. Like you said, growth. 🙂

      Thanks, again!

      • Jay
        June 14, 2014

        OH YEAH! I love this. We have a great discussion going on here.

        That’s truly a blessing!

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