23: Was Sex All He Wanted?

You meet a great guy.


The chemistry between you two is amazing.


One thing leads to another and you have sex.


Over a week has gone by and you haven’t heard from him at all.


Now you’re wondering: Was sex all he wanted from you?


That’s precisely the situation a young woman who contacted me recently found herself in.


Now, in the latest episode of the Listen Up Ladies series, I will address her question and concerns, provide my insight and discuss this situation from a woman’s perspective with Amber.



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Episode Title: Was Sex All He Wanted?


Guest: Amber DinesFollow Her on Twitter


Music: Algebra Blessett – Paper Heart



  • “God didn’t design you, I’m talking about the ladies, to be a great girlfriend. That’s not what He created us to be. He created us to be an excellent wife.” – Amber Dines
  • “If you not gon stand up for what you believe, ain’t nobody else gon do it.” – Jay


Key Lessons:

  • The importance of setting standards and sticking to them
  • Reasons why women need to stop being so easily impressed by men
  • The vital importance of trusting God


Hot Topics & Takeaways:

  • The “Hollow Man” Breakdown
  • The differences between how God designed men and women


Experience is the Best Teacher:

  • Jay shares his past experiences of disappearing and breaking off contact with women and explains why he did it
  • Amber shares about a friend of her’s who contracted and STD as a result of having sex with a man shortly after she’d met him


Dangers & Difficulties

  • The danger of compromising our convictions for sexual pleasure


Insight & Action Steps:

  1. Know your value and the value of your “treasure”
  2. Require men you get involved with to value you and your “treasure” as much as you do or more
  3. Respond; don’t react or make decisions based on feelings or emotions
  4. Don’t allow men nor yourself to rush into sex, especially if you know you aren’t ready
  5. Strongly consider waiting until marriage to have sex
  6. Understand that you set the bar for how much a man respects you and your “treasure”
  7. Don’t squander the control God has given you; exercise it wisely


Apply the Principles:

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20(NIV)


Show Some Love:

Please leave me a comment or a private message answering the following question:

If a man hasn’t contact a woman for over a week, after having sex with her, do you believe sex is all he wanted?


  • singlemomsmile1
    July 7, 2014

    I used to be overly impressed when a man did what he was supposed to do naturally. You hit the nail on the head when you said it was because I was not used to be treated better by anyone before him. That’s where knowing your worth comes into play.

    The Hollow Man is classic both as a movie and the way Jay uses it to describe blowing someone off. The other night some one took my number after having amazing conversation for a few hours…you guessed it he Hallow Manned me. In the past I would’ve been offended but now I say “Hey only God’s best when He’s ready.”

    I feel bad for this young lady. Just like Jay said the different scenarios are playing out in her head. I have a question for you Jay. Why would you tell your son to suck it up and get over it. Whereas you would console your daughter? This is the reason why many women feel men do not have feelings and are afraid of being vulnerable.

    Keep up the good work Jay. But killing me the whole month of July is about sex. Lol

    • Jay
      July 8, 2014

      Yes, knowing our worth is a MUST. If we don’t, the likelihood of being taken advantage of increases.

      I love the “Hollow Man”…the term of course…not the act. lol

      I hear you. Don’t even trip. He just got out of the way so you could take one step closer towards the right man.

      I suppose it’s a man thing. Knowing that men aren’t, by nature, extremely emotional, I feel it would be easier for a boy to suck it up and move on. I know that’s not the best practice, because suppressing those hurt feelings can have negative effects too. I just believe it’s easier for boys, in many cases, to get over a rejection than it is for girls.

      Honestly, it’s a facade. We have feelings. It’s just that in most cases we don’t want to display emotions that will be perceived as “weak”, “soft” or anything that isn’t considered “manly”. It’s an ego and pride thing.

      LOL! I know you’ll survive the month Ariel. We got some great content lined up. You will not be disappointed…watch and see.

  • Autumn
    July 7, 2014

    I have a sex question for the series. What exactly is going on in a man’s head when he’s having sex? Is it 99% physical? Is it still 99% physical even with someone he loves? I think the thing is: we women
    can’t tell the difference. Sure you can tell after sex by his actions. But I want to know what he’s thinking *during* sex. I’m just curious how and when it means more than just a physical release.

    If men doing nice things is not emotional, when how do you know when he really is emotional? The reason it’s confusing is I feel like men are the same when they are emotional and when they are not. At some point a woman has to let her guard down and take the man at face value. But maybe not at the third date. I don’t know if there isa time to know. You know when you really know. It could be early or late.

    The interesting thing is? I think when a man finally is being emotional I usually don’t know and discount it. I can’t tell.

    Amber was so nice and supportive to the listener who asked the question! Very beautiful final message for many women to hear. I hope it helped that listener.

    • Jay
      July 8, 2014

      Honestly, I think that answer is likely to differ, from man to man.

      Personally, I find sex to be more mental and emotional, rather than physical. However, I’m biased because I’ve only ever had sex with women that I was in serious relationships with and who I had strong feelings for. So sex was never just an act for me, minus a few quickies here and there (lol). It was always an experience that brought us together, strengthened our bond and pleasured one another.

      That line is very blurred. That’s one reason why I believe communication is so important. However, in many cases men and women are simply afraid to ask the questions that you are asking to their partner. If someone wants to know why their partner is doing something, whether it means something or not, they should ask.

      I don’t think it’s about being able to “tell”. That’s not concrete. I’m the type of person who wants to know and I’m not afraid to ask, in order to find out.

      Yes, Amber is such a sweetheart! I know her message lifted man women who listened to the podcast up and I am so happy to know that.

      I pray this podcast was helpful to the young woman who submitted the question too and any other women who may be in a similar situation.

      Thank you so much for listening and sharing your thoughts and questions.

      • Autumn
        July 8, 2014

        You’re right. I’ve asked men and the answer does vary. It makes it kind of confusing. But I guess you just have to know one person at a time. Everyone is unique.

        I guess I was wondering what the caller’s man in question was thinking but I’ve decided, it doesn’t matter anyway. I care more about the listener than that guy who treated her like that.

        I do ask men lots of questions but a lot of men aren’t as . . . introspective? They don’t always know, so I just have to spend time around people. After a good long while I know who they are. And if they don’t know, well, that’s part of who they are and who they will be.

        Amber’s message lifted me! I sure hope she reads the comments. She was a great guest.

        • Jay
          July 10, 2014

          You’re right. Everyone truly is unique.

          Great point! As important as communication is, everyone doesn’t value it.

          I’m so glad that Amber’s message lifted you. That is such a blessing.

          I’ll reach out to her and ask her to swing by and check out the comments.

          Thanks again for your kind words Autumn.

        • Amber Dines
          July 10, 2014

          Thanks for the positive feedback Autumn. I truly appreciate being used on God’s terms. Keep being the light you are! Xo! Amber Dines

  • Renatha
    July 8, 2014

    This was a great topic and discussion with that being said to the women who wrote the letter don’t be discouraged. You are what us military females say In Your Feelings and that’s okay to be that way. However once you recover maybe you shouldn’t call him maybe proceed with your life and maybe he will call you again. Maybe if he calls you can either go along with the flow of the conversation and put the ball back in his court to where he will be wondering whats going on when you don’t answer his phone call (when he decides to make it) or maybe decide another alternative. Or maybe when and if you are ready to express your thoughts and concerns to him and he is ready to carefully listen then maybe you should carefully talk to him about the events that took place and how it made you feel. Ultimately it’s your decision but you just have to carefully think it through so that the conversation ends on a good note instead of a bad note. Sounds like based on the facts this guy did a fade away and there seems to be several names you can title it of course as Jay mentioned “The Hollow Man” in the podcast. Nice to hear from you again Amber and I agree with you that women can be very emotional. I find it can be a good and bad thing depending on the situation. I enjoyed when Amber mentioned “setting boundaries” (depending what your boundaries will be at the time). Excellent point made. I also agree with Jay when he mentioned that “this is a hurdle and life lesson learned. ” in my opinion by accessing what what went wrong you can determine what shouldnt and what should happen next time in accordance with your values, beliefs, and morals that you establish for yourself. God is an awesome GOD and though we may stumble he is always and forever will be there to pick us up in our time if need. To answer your question Jay if a man hasn’t contacted a women for over a week, after having sex with her, do you believe sex is all he wanted. Ok well ima be honest and say yes and say no. I say yes because that’s always the ultimate goal per say (not say he doesn’t have genuine feelings or wouldn’t start to develop genuine feelings over time) just saying. On the flip side I would say no because maybe as we also say in the military”fully mission capable” meaning his mind set was to find tru love no matter how instant it was. In life they say you never know when love will hit you or come it just shows up outa nowhere. That’s all I have to say about that. Keep the podcast coming and great inspiring last message Jay. Amber it’s always a pleasure to hear your insights, thoughts and concerns when you speak you speak words of wisdom and knowledge. GOD Bless you Amber and take care.

    • Jay
      July 8, 2014

      Great message and insight for the young lady who submitted this question Renatha. I appreciate you sharing that with her.

      Yes, it was such a joy to have Amber on the podcast as a guest again.

      You’re right about boundaries being important. They are a MUST.

      “God is an awesome GOD and though we may stumble he is always and forever will be there to pick us up in our time of need.”

      That is TRUTH!!!

      “Fully mission capable”…I like that. I agree, love can come out of nowhere…or so I’ve been told.

      Thank you so much for all your kind words and support Renatha. They mean so much to me. I’m so glad that you enjoyed the discussion too. Thank you for listening!

    • Amber Dines
      July 10, 2014

      Awww thanks so much. I am so glad you were able to see the importance of setting boundaries and knowing the importance of keeping them. It’s always a pleasure to be on the show. Thanks for your much needed wisdom you shared in your post. Keep striving to be all you can be. God has greatness all in your future. Xo! -Amber Dines

  • Jay
    July 8, 2014

    Wow! That is such great insight Tonjie. Thank you so much for sharing that with the ladies.

    That is a really powerful lesson you learned. I’m sure that it could not have been an easy one to learn either.

    I agree, sex isn’t the only fun and intimate activity that a couple can do together. Thank you for pointing that out.

    Yes, it is so important that we not only understand ourselves and our gender, but also the opposite gender too. It’s the only way we can truly interact with one another effectively.

    You’re right. There isn’t anything at all with desiring to be in a relationship. It’s just that the desire shouldn’t come before a person’s own well being.

    “Going to church doesn’t mean he is of good character.” YES! This is a misconception that is causing a lot of people hurt, pain and agony.

    I appreciate all the kind words you had for Amber. I’m really glad that you enjoyed the insights that she shared.

    That’s a topic that definitely need to be discussed. I’m curious though, what aspect of accountability are you referring to? That can be very broad. Did you have something specific in mind?

    Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this episode and I really appreciate you swinging by to share your thoughts, experiences and perspectives. Thank you Tonjie!

    • afrosandlovesongs
      July 8, 2014

      You’re so welcome!

      Specifically, I’m talking about sexual responsibility. There’s so much content about women being sexually responsible, waiting, and not giving our bodies away. I get that people think guys are more sexual, but does that mean we ignore that guys need to be responsible? Does that mean guys shouldn’t be held accountable when things like what happen to that young lady occur?

      I’m sure you have some awesome things to say!

      • Jay
        July 8, 2014

        You’re right. Both men and women need to be sexually responsible. I know when I’m speaking about not having sex until marriage, I’m speaking to both men and women. We both need to obey, respect and honor God. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

        You make great points. Thank you so much for sharing that topic. Throughout the month I will ensure that I make it clear that being sexually responsible applies to both men and women.

  • Destiny's Truth
    July 9, 2014

    Wow! The podcast and the comments have all been very amazing. In response to the question, generally if a guy does not call a woman for over a week after having sex he only wanted sex. However, there are instances where men are testing women and gauging their confidence in themselves. I had an experience with a guy that I considered not a “Hollow Man”, but like the guy in the book by Terri McMillian, “Disappearing Act”. He would do these disappearing acts for weeks and attempt to come back like nothing happened. I initially felt insecure and questioned myself, but after the second time he was done. I was not going to allow him to play his childish games and make me think I had issues when he had commitment and fidelity issues. So, sometimes the guy is trying to see how long the woman will hold out before calling him. In any case, I would suggest that she call him and find out what is his issue immediately and move on. Men that are not cordial enough to call and just make sure you made it home safely after a night out or just say thanks for a great night are just not worth any further effort in my opinion.

    God’s men are “gentlemen” because the “GENTLEMAN”: THE HOLY SPIRIT dwells inside of him and would cause his conduct to be kind, patient and full of goodness. A man of integrity and character, even if he and his date made the mistake of having sex too soon in the relationship.

    Jay you really “spit” some knowledge and made some elements of dating conduct clear from a male’s prospective. Great show! I wish there were more Listen Up Ladies segments.

    • Jay
      July 10, 2014

      You’re right. It could be a man’s way of “testing” a woman. However, I don’t think that’s the best way to go about it.

      I’m sorry you had to experience that, but it taught you a valuable lesson. You weren’t the problem at all. It was his own personal issue that he needed to deal with.

      “Men that are not cordial enough to call and just make sure you made it
      home safely after a night out or just say thanks for a great night are
      just not worth any further effort in my opinion.”

      YES!!! I agree with that completely.

      I am so glad that you enjoyed the discussion Destiny and I appreciate all of your kind words. Thank you so much for all of your continued support.

      Thank you for sharing such amazing insights and experiences too.

      God bless you!

  • J-Full
    July 10, 2014

    Jay…love the podcast but one thing’s been irking me for mad long. Celibate does not have a “n” in it! Lol you say it like 10 times an episode as Celibant

    • Jay
      July 10, 2014

      Hey J-Full!

      Thank you so much for taking the time to swing by and read the comments that the listeners left. That means more to me than you know.

      I also appreciate you taking the time out to listen to the podcast…even with me irking you throughout it.

      All I can say is that celibate is one of the many words that I have trouble pronounce. I am sincerely sorry that my mispronunciation of the word made it difficult to listen.

      However, I am thankful that you were a part of the episode and that so many people enjoy what you and Crystal shared.

      Thank you and God bless you!

  • Amber Dines
    July 10, 2014

    You know what sis the Word of God says to “guard your heart with all diligence for out of it springs the issues of life.” All too often we dangle our hearts in front of any man willing to take it. It appears that you have been through a lot but through it all, you have grown and matured. God is not through with you yet and as you begin to place your heart in His hands and your soul, tears, wants, and desires at His feet He is going to start shifting things in your favor. You are well on your way sis. I had a blast on the show and grateful Jay could share his platform with Lil ol’ me. Be blessed sis and keep your head held high to the One who cares about EVERY detail of your future. Xo!- Amber Dines

    • Jay
      July 10, 2014

      Amber you know it is always a pleasure, a blast and a blessing to speak with you. I always enjoy myself.

      Thank you again luv!

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